Tuesday, May 18, 2004
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Brides & Bodies:
The more I think about it the more I decide I may be very very close.
The “game” for women is to die wearing the best shoes, with the highest heels, that she can actually walk in, adorned with the namiest label for the cheapest price.
For men though… which man has the most sex, with the most women, while forming the least attachments or commitments. He who dies without ever catching a last name, wins the bonus round. Ding ding ding!!!
Now, before you gentlemen start commenting and emailing me… No! That’s not the case, I’m a prince, I’d love to have a girlfriend, all I do is buy engagement rings, I live to help shove lazyboy recliners to the curb…, I say bravo to you and - bullshit. Let’s be honest, if I tell you I can blow your… uhm, mind better than any woman {and of this I have no doubt, by the way} but you never meet me, it doesn’t matter how fabulous I am. Your my experiences define you me. And, for the most part, my experiences are bizarre. {Though thanks to random luck, and some men, my experiences are not all bizarre}.
I don’t know about you fellas though. My girlfriends and I talk, you know? {Yes, you read correctly, we’re not all mink trimmed panties, demi bras and pillow fights.} Sometimes, it’s just us, nail polish, wine, you get the idea. Leave us alone for too long and the conversation turns to you boys and your oddities. Oddities?!! Hell yes, you guys can be strange. At best.
My favorite oddity of the moment? The male belief that anything we women say is a declaration of our undying love as well as a cleverly designed ploy to make sure you never see another set of breasts as long as you live. *sigh*.
That’s so not the case. Let’s say you {the man} are a writer who publishes a book. We say “congratulations”. It is what it is, a mere utterance of congratulatory sentiment. It’s not code for “marry me”. Calm the fuck down, you nervous wrecks. You think there is so much weight behind what we ladies say. And when the day comes for me and whomever {if it does}… please, look your heart out, I could care less, trust me, I’m not handing the rabbi my eyes under the chuppah either.
Here’s an excellent theory to live by: unless I am standing next to a bride or a dead person, I haven’t given that much thought to my choice of words. There’s no subtext. It’s all extemporaneous, my hand to god. Off the cuff baby. We have that straight? Not at a wedding or giving a eulogy? Not that serious or thought out.
So when I say “hi” that’s all I mean. When I say “I want to eventually have children” that’s all I mean. Not with {the metaphorical} you, not tonight, not next week, not even this year. One day ~ far far away. So sit down, take your jacket off, have a glass of wine and a deep breath. No one is being married or eulogized {at least not today}.
Honest.
{*and yes, that's what a decent amount of the smut was about*}
1:36 PM
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