Friday, July 29, 2005
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Never Had the Mohawk Though:
Direct from Crazy Dawn:
(* and please note that this is the first instance wherein tech savvy me, has been able to host an image. I hope you are as proud of me as I am. And as embarrassed as I am, that it took so damn long to figure this shit out*)
11:31 AM
Thursday, July 28, 2005
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Miss Me:
I'm over here today - come by and check me out ;)
2:15 PM
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
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Readers Rock:
When I finally got home last night there was an Amazon box waiting for me. Delightfully strange, as I've recently ordered... nothing. So I opened it and this is what I discovered:
When I first read your blog I wondered how the hell you got into my head?? So from one Six Feet Under and Mari Jane fan to another here's a present for you. No begging necessary. Enjoy! Chriss - Upstate, NY.
Chriss, you are fantastic and I love, love, love the cd. Can't thank you enough. I immediately loaded it onto my ipod (thanks Jake) and listening to it last night and this morning. It's great.
1:09 PM
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Get Wheaton Off:
I always thought that having Wheaton on my back would be more fun than this. It isn't. So go ahead and get him off.
12:08 PM
Monday, July 25, 2005
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Liking You Naked:
A week and a half ago the Jakes were in town. The Jakes being frequent commenter Jake, and his stunning wife… Mrs. Jake. The weather was gorgeous, not the crap that currently hovers overhead. It was myself, Karol, Crackpot Summers and Jessica. At the invite of the Jakes we were gallivanting around the city in a stretch limo (natch, those Jakes travel in style). There was an amazing, extravagant dinner at Aquavit, Christina Applegate in Sweet Charity on Broadway, dinner at the Post House and drinks at the rooftop bar at the Peninsula Hotel. And did I mention chocolates? There were chocolates – and they were insanely delicious – and I just finished them this past weekend. But even better than traveling through Manhattan in a blacked out limo or, a drink with every course or, having seven rows between Christina and myself or, pomegranate martinis was; finally meeting the Jake.
The Jake, who leaves my friends and I sweet and encouraging comments. The Jake who has been unusually generous towards a person he’s never met. The Jake who we all wondered about. Was he a Larry Flyntesque perv? A way too slick fellow? A D&D dork of epic proportions?
The Jake is in fact very cool and not at all sleazy and/or pervy. He (nor his wife) tried to kill or dismember any of us, as mildly and not so, feared. He and his wife were beyond delightful and completely normal! It was so much fun to meet them both – especially once we all recovered from the awkwardness of it all.
This post is pathetically overdue. My girlfriends captured the events way better than I did. Especially this freaking late in the game. But I couldn’t let it go without sharing it. Meeting people who read your blog can be a completely weird and unnerving experience. But not always. Sometimes it can be incredibly fun, after all, readers are often the ones that catch you at your most naked and ugliest. Your angriest and your saddest. They are the ones that see the you that vents and gets all ballsy when conveniently tucked behind a computer screen. The you that types the things you’d never, ever say out loud or as the phrase goes; in mixed company. And when someone likes you (me) based on write you write (uhm… this) well then, just don’t throw soup in their face and you’re already ahead of the game.
And after meeting The Jakes – we’ve all gained a few points. You all have no idea what you missed.
* and also, I'm over here.
11:03 PM
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
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Once a Cheat:
Oh Sienna, you gorgeous, stupid stupid girl - you're shocked eh, and hurt huh? Remind us again, cute little blond hippy girl, how did you and Jude meet? What did you think? The guy who cheated on his wife (the mother of those cute kids you keep dragging around) to be with you was never going to cheat on you? And in a laughably ironic twist; on location nonetheless.
Listen idiot girls, take it from a former idiot girl who is only trying to offer up the fruits of her own stupidity. If he cheated on someone to be with you, he will cheat on you with someone else. She need not be prettier (ahem, Hugh Grant & not-at-all-Divine Brown), thinner or more interesting. The crux of it is; she need not be you.
Quit being so shocked and appalled. Really, was it going to end any differently?
2:25 PM
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
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Kramden:
"Please take your children with you when you exit the bus. Your children are adorable. We don't want 'em."
"Ladies and gentlemen, when you exit the bus please remember to take all, and I mean all your belongings with you. If you leave them here, the authorities will have to come and blow it up. I ask that you not mess with our commute that way."
Sardonic bus-driver humor in the morning, always helps.
6:30 PM
Monday, July 11, 2005
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A Saturday. As Told on a Monday: - I am awake way too early for a Saturday.
- What do I wear to my 95 year old great-aunt’s birthday party?
- Hmm… I wonder if the black shirt and skirt will make said 95 year old lady feel as though she is at her own funeral…
- Having a cell phone is fun. It’s great to have my parents calling every 6 minutes to find out exactly where on the highway the brothers and I are.
- Especially delightful considering my mom called specifically to tell us to ignore the cars’ GPS and take exit 6A and not 6B. Of course we needed 6B and waste 10 minutes figuring that out.
- My aunt has redone her house. Looks good, but she only redid parts no now some rooms are modernized and polished, while others look straight out of Mike and Carol Bradys’ house.
- Wow…I am the only unmarried person here.
- Even my 24 year old cousin Amy is married.
- But then again, my cousin Emily is not. Could be that Emily is only 8.
- My great-aunt’s skin feels like tissue paper.
- My Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition model cousin really is hot, god do I feel short and dark haired. Even her 2 year old is stunning.
- I can’t believe she used to date women… especially that really famous one.
- My mom insists on introducing my cousin Mark by saying “Do you remember your cousin Mark? Remember when he was so heavy? Can you believe how heavy he used to be?! He lost so much weight. Mark, you look great!! You lost so much weight. Doesn’t he look great?!”
- Because Mark is 22 and my mother is a lunatic, he avoids her the rest of the day
- I think my mom is drunk.
- As I look at a baby cousin I am taken aback by its total un-cuteness. It’s not an ugly baby… but at this party, where there are at least 9 babies, each cuter than the next, this kid is strangely just blah.
- I sneak outside to smoke a cigarette.
- There is a message on my cell phone fromCandyGirl:
- Word on the streets that the partys in Brooklyn tonight. Brooklyn?!!
- Grr… in NJ. Doesn’t look good but will die trying! Any shot of brunch 2morrow?
- No!!! We’re leaving early. You’re gonna die!!
- Bitches!!
- Seriously clown. We love you so much it hurts. This is pure evil.
- Same! I will SO try
- Good because otherwise you will so burn
- But I don’t wanna burn!!!
- so I need to get to Brooklyn at some point.
- I text back and forth with Lisa who informs me that she has other plans but knows that my night entails Brooklyn, booze & beach. She tells me to check my email and call her when I’m back in the city.
- I sure do wish it wasn’t 8:30pm and I wasn’t in central New Jersey.
- There are choices of sangria here.
- There are choices of sangria here!! Maybe central NJ isn’t so bad.
- My family is so much cooler than I give them credit for.
- And now if I don’t get the fuck out of here I’m never making it out tonight.
- My parents, guilted into giving me a ride home, drop me off with kisses and a loaf of brioche bread. My brother gets $100 though. Uhm, ok…
- Rush into apt., pee quickly, check email – copy down directions to Brooklyn, realize I missed a call from Esther, try to reach her, no luck. Try Jessica, missed her too. Accept that I will be subwaying it to Brooklyn on my own.
- Smoke a bowl. Throw flip flops, Marie Claire, drugs and ipod in bag. Make sure I have my metrocard. Go!
- Get two blocks before I realize my impeccable directions are still sitting on my impeccable front table.
- Thank the Baby Jesus my brother never goes anywhere, call him, rewrite directions. This time across Marie Claire cover girl; Jessica Alba’s face and chest.
- Wait forever for F train.
- Pass stops I never knew existed – am I lost?
- Notice suspicious looking guy sitting diagonal from me. Remember London. Wonder how I could be on train for nearly 30 minutes before even thinking of London.
- Remember am high.
- This ride takes forever.
- This month’s Marie Claire is the prettiest packet of utter trash of I have ever looked at. Am bored.
- Ride. Taking. Too. Long.
- Finally reach stop. On way to Karol’s pick up sour patch kids, seltzer and water.
- Karol’s kitchen is the size of my apartment – and from what else I see; stunning. I fall in mad love with her staircase.
- CandyGirl and Ginger are there, more gorgeous and adorable than I remember! Kisses and hugs!! CandyGirl tells me how glad she is that she will not have to hunt me down and set me on fire as threatened. That makes 2 of us. And the city examiner, so 3 of us.
- In honor of her birthday Crazy Dawn is reveling in her element and bossing people around.
- Peter, Jessica, and Mike are whaling away at ping pong in the basement.
- Then there is pizza, candy and then a trip to the beach.
- I somehow, while paying no attention whatsoever, end up in the “cool” SUV and not in the no-doubt-stinky cab. I do so much better when barely alert.
- The beach rocks out. There are waves crashing behind us, plastic cups of wine passing in front of us and a collection of some of the most fun people I know all around.
- We stay on the beach til some are numb from cold. I will discover, two days later, that the back of my left leg is covered in mosquito bites.
- Share cab back to Karol’s with CandyGirl and Ginger. Scandalous conversations take place.
- Agreements are made to take said convo to our collective graves.
- Poker.
- Newbie CandyGirl catches on a little too quick for my taste but I still manage to win enough to buy a pack of cigarettes which I need to do since mine are gone.
- It is now after 4am. Esther is falling asleep, I think I am asleep and with a snap of the fingers, uber-hostess Karol has cabs back to the city at the ready.
- Yet another reason why I fucking love Karol.
- I think the cab ride back into the city scars our driver (and quite possiblyl Esther) for life.
- The car next to ours contains 18 year old Russian guys showing us their asses.
- We mount a counterassault and make out.
- I learn what a Russian howl sounds like and then their heads promptly explode.
- It is 5:30am when I turn off the bedside light. I don’t need it as the sun is now up.
7:34 PM
Thursday, July 07, 2005
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More of Me:
As per my eventually-to-be-adopted-little-Asian-baby-girl’s-platonic-lesbian-Mama I present to you the latest in Memes:
Lifetime Meme
Annabel Lee tagged Superjux who then tagged me with this lifetime meme:
10 years ago: Well, because I am the be all-end all in writing it all down – I rifled through my closet until I found my file box which contains my old Filofax pages. I can therefore look it up and tell you precisely what I was doing 10 years ago. Probably to the day. God, I’m deranged. Hmm…(I’m flipping through it) seems I had my period (I have been making the exact same notation in my organizers since I can remember – such a creature of habit *sigh*). I had a ticket that was due – I only had one speeding ticket ever (89 in a 55 – and yes, I actually felt a sense of pride). I had some errands to run at Nordstrom’s on Route 17 and dinner with my aunt and uncle before driving into Brooklyn to get laid. Ah… those were the days.
5 years ago: Filofax again! I was working in Harlem but unbeknownst to me then I was mere days away from quitting. I bought a Swatch phone at the Swatch store on 72nd and Amsterdam and picked up my dog Bailey from the groomer. I did something insanely uncharacteristic and went to a Knicks game by myself when I could find no one to go with. I was also living with StinkyRoommate and intermittently sleeping with my neighbor; Dick. I was going to NJ most Thursdays after work to pick my brother up and bring him back to the city for DJ gigs because he was temporarily banned from driving.
1 year ago: I had just started playing poker with the girls. I was going to NJ every Friday to take my mom on errand runs. She was scared to drive, and not really able to anyway after her really bad car accident. The two dogs I had pretty much grown up with had just died and little did I know but my brother was about to reign hell upon our apartment in the form of a small, scrawny little mutt from the pound.
Yesterday: Dragged my ass out of bed, went to work, did far more work than I anticipated and then went over to check out the new arrivals at Barnes and Noble. While headed back to my office I got a call from Esther who invited me to stop by Starbucks and briefly distract her from work. It was lovely to see her and I think I complied with her request. Once home I talked to a friend on the phone, watched back to back Law & Orders, read a little bit and went to sleep somewhat earlier than usual.
Today: I went to work. Tried to get my watch fixed during lunch, picked up these two books from the library. Went home, ordered in dinner with the brothers, watched a Yankee game, had a fight with my mom about her obstinate and unfounded belief that I hate the Connecticut house, typed this up, smoked a little and will soon walk Dog and head off to bed. I’ll probably try to finish that last bit of the book I’m reading because it too is from the library and it is already overdue.
Tomorrow: Again with the work *snore* then I plan to buy some magazines, heat up leftovers, figure out what I’m wearing for the Saturday family extravaganza and then the much anticipated hanging out with Ginger and the now-defunct-yet-obscenely-missed CandyGirl – I’m hella psyched for that!!!
5 snacks I enjoy: Popcorn, ice cream, grapes, Wheatables and crispy M&Ms.
5 bands that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs: I’m with SuperJux on Billy Joel. Other than Billy; Fleetwood Mac, James Taylor, Erasure and Yaz.
5 things I would do with $100,000,000: Buy a mouseless apartment with a terrace and a parking spot. Buy the car to put in the spot, pay off my dentist bill, throw the bros some cash and give my relatives in Israel what they need.
5 locations I’d like to run away to: Israel, Montana, Hawaii, Johnny Depp’s house, Utopia.
5 bad habits I have: Cigarette smoking, aversion to exercise, lying (oh god… you have no idea), not putting things back where they belong and procrastinating.
5 things I like doing: Playing with Dog, seeing my friends, reading, sleeping and kissing men I like.
5 things I would never wear: A fanny pack, spandex, a midriff revealing top, daisy dukes and again like SuperJux; a padded bra (because really…)
5 TV shows I like: Six Feet Under, The O.C., Lost, 24 & Chappelle’s Show.
5 movies I like: Gone with the Wind, When Harry Met Sally, Casino, Big Fish and Bridget Jones’ Diary.
5 famous people I’d like to meet: Sarah Silverman, David Duchovny, James Taylor, Marian Keyes, Denis Leary.
5 biggest joys at the moment: Eating dinner with my brothers, watching the Yankees trounce the Indians, going to bed during a thunderstorm, the coming weekend.
5 favorite toys: Dog, ipod, laptop, lite-brite, cell phone.
5 people to tag: Fish. Joseph. Ginger. Esther. And lastly; Crazy.
11:38 PM
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
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Content. Trying.
I’m going to go out on a limb here (sarcasm) and say that happy people have no regrets (sincerity). Or, at the very least, they have very few regrets. A happy person will maintain that it was serendipity. That all choices, good and bad, worked out for the best.
An unhappy person though, a bitter person, wears their regret the way a homeless guy wears stench. If only-s is the only thing they can think about. They become so fixed it’s almost an offshoot of OCD. If only they had gotten this break or that one. If only that guy wasn’t such a shit or, that girl such a bitch. If only things had gone their fucking way, just once!!! If only…
I definitely spent high school as the latter – no question about it. I was very very(!!) busy shuffling and assigning blame of everything. I’d vacillate between my mom (thanks for the predisposed thighs and ass), dad (a slightly longer fuse would have been a lovely inheritance), brothers (couldn’t they have been sisters and expanded my closet options??), teachers (frivolous little hobby; teaching), principals (uhm…teen haters), best friends (clothing kleptos), friends, barely friends, frenemies, enemies, our mailman (is there nothing better to haul around than SAT scores?! Ridiculous), people who didn’t even know I existed. But in those four years, I’m pretty sure I got everyone, at least once. I carried on like that partially through college, I eventually started to loosen my grip on insanity though. I began to grow out of MTV-Real World-like navel gazing and realize it isn’t ALL about me. I mean it mainly is, but not strictly. Heh. But ultimately this is a huge world with a ridiculous amount of people, I’m trying to teach myself, that with all that goes on out there, I can’t take everything personally. It’s flat out exhausting, although the self flattery can be nice.
I like to think that I’ll continue to grow into the former and not the latter. It’s definitely something I’m trying to do more. I’m trying to take bad experiences and turn them into just: experiences. There is no point in regretting what you can’t do anything about. It’ll eat you alive if you let it. You have to either chalk up your losses and move on or build a time machine. It’s so much easier to just let it go and learn from it. Like this crap with me dating and meeting no one I like. If I die alone, sure, they’ll be a regret or two but shit ain’t so bad so far. However, if I meet the sort of person I’m looking for, I know I’ll agree; it will have all been worth it.
In college I went to a fair and visited with a psychic. She told me a few different things but this one I remembered;
You will marry late in life, but you will be more loved and happier than you ever thought. You will be glad life gave you this long to prepare for what will mean so much.
Yeah yeah hokey crystal lovin’ bitch - uhm… I was sorta hoping she meant late as in… not 67 years old.
I’m trying to be those people you read about, you know, the ones in People magazine with no limbs (but with all four of mine please, I'm greedy like that), or an acid splash scarred face (a zit scar here and there is more than enough for me and my fragile little ego), if they can be content and not full of regrets well then fuck, it ought to be a breeze for me, no?
10:41 PM
Sunday, July 03, 2005
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Tell Me Something New:
I hate to sound old and jaded… but sometimes, just sometimes I feel like someone’s Old Aunt Ari; been there, done that. Heard it allllllllll.
I love you, I want to be with you, but just be patient, I can’t right now. Yeah, heard it.
I’m not really in a place where I can commit to someone now. Uh huh, heard that too.
If only circumstances were different… oooh original.
Yeah, definitely! I’ll give you a call later on in the week. Of course you will.
No no, she’s just my co-wofitetgdfderj. Hmm? Oh sorry, now I’m just rattling them off in my sleep.
I will never again waste my time on, or shave my legs, for someone who hesitates before giving me their phone number. Who isn’t comfortable with public displays of affection. You should be so fucking lucky that I’d kiss you in public, Jackass. Who guides my head towards his… uhm… head. I know where it is. Believe me. Who won’t wear a condom because he can’t cum with them on. Please, 18 some-odd years of experience have taught me that nothing short of suited armor could stop you guys. Who isn’t nice to my friends. Who is too nice to my friends. Who hates dogs. Who doesn’t bring anything positive into my life. Who doesn’t make me feel good if not better about myself. Who I just don’t fucking like.
I don’t know what all the rules (in love and war) are. I don’t even know what all these rules are. But, my own are few and simple. Hit me and enjoy the cot in cell 17. Yell at me and finish your drink alone at the bar. Stand me up and you’ll never have the chance to do so again. Kiss my friend and you’re done kissing me. Be nice. Be honest. Be someone I can be myself with. Be someone I can’t be without. Oooh tricky. So there’s that. I know that no one I have dated has truly been a regret. Each boy, guy, man I’ve dated taught me something (be it about guys or myself). What I want and what I don’t. What matters and what doesn’t. How to fight and how not to. How to kiss and how to make up. One of my favorites taught me much more than just how to kiss. I learned how I want to be treated but more importantly, how I need to be treated. That not only does Mr. Perfect not exist*, but if he did, I’d probably hate his perfect little guts anyway. And I’m betting he wouldn’t be down with crumbs in the bed anyway.
I just want different from what I usually get. ie: I usually get half-assed and I want uhm... whole assed, as it were. It’s not asking so much, is it? A guy that brags to his friends about you… I want to believe what comes out of the mouth of a man that I like. I want to believe the;
Wow, I can’t believe it, I’m single too-s.
I had a great time, I will call you tomorrow-s.
We’re going to have so much fun this summer-s.
My friends are dying to meet you-s.
I like you Ari, I really do-s.
*I could really expound on that, and I’m tempted to but that’s really a post for another day.
3:20 AM
Friday, July 01, 2005
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Upper West Sightings:
Joe and I do our very best to meet up once a week for lunch. Ever since I left our common place of business our lunches are very important to us. Additionally, Joe is just god-awful on the phone. You cannot reach that guy ever. Should I ever immaculately conceive, Joe is so not going to be my birthing coach. Just sayin’. Anyway, we usually go to this pretty decent pub around the corner from my office, sit outside, smoke, eat/drink lunch and trade sordid tales. It’s our weekly ritual. However, our weekly ritual has taken on a new criteria; spot the random celebrity. It’s gotten to where we get one random person per week. Case in point, in the past 3 weeks, while at lunch, we have seen;
Glenn Close eating lunch outside, right next to us at Sarabeth’s, boiling absolutely no bunnies whatsoever.
Kirsten from Party of Five walking past us (not once, but twice, she was checking Joe out because he’s hot yo) – she looked healthy thin, not Lohan thin and gorgeous. Turns out, she’s really pretty when not sobbing over Charlie Salinger, mental illness or sickly babies. And this week, while hailing a cab on Amsterdam Ave. this is how cool I am:
Me (only slightly whispering): Oh look, it’s John Stossel – I love that guy!!
Joe: What, wait, who?
Me: Gah! John Stossel! (I’m SO much more excited than you should ever be to see a news personality. I mean really, this level of enthusiasm should be reserved for at least someone the magnitude/tier of oh… I don’t know, Kevin Bacon. I mean, I haven’t lost my cool but I’m definitely being dorky).
Joe: Where?
Me: Oh fuck it. (and then I gesture directly at John Stossel, who is now about 3 feet away from me). John Stossel! (Not being deaf, he clearly hears me and turns around smiling so I sort of have to say something other than his name) I think you’re great!
John Stossel: Well, thank you very much.
I’m such a dork… sad.
So, it’s Friday now and again I pathetically did not post at all this week. I suck. What can I tell you, it’s really been too hot to get myself into the sort of trouble that would be worth blogging about. I’m damn near on the verge of rediscovering my virginity. My bedroom is messy, festooned with clothing I have worn for the past two weeks or so. I have got to clean that up. I’m planning on sneaking out of work as early as I possibly can for the long weekend. It’s supposed to storm wildly here late in the afternoon with the crazy heat breaking soon after. So I’m thinking, that between the cooler weather, the long weekend and Joe’s Birthday Extravaganza (he’s 28 that lucky bitch) I ought to have some fun stories for you next week.
If not, I’ll just start making shit up for. I swear.
Happy Fourth of July kids! Don’t blow your fingers off!!
11:34 AM
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