Saturday, December 31, 2005
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My Wish For You...
is all that you wish for yourselves. Be happy, healthy and safe.
4:43 PM
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
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You Know How I Know Morrie Was Probably A Douchebag?
Because I have my own version. And yes, he’s a douchebag.
Look the story of Mitch and Morrie was *gag* sweet – heartwarming even. Uhm… so I heard, I never actually bothered to read it – I already have my share of cavities and issues with sugar, so surely you can understand. But you know what I’m betting was not revealed in this resplendent tale of love and mentoring? Morrie repeated himself constantly. Morrie repeated himself constantly. Morrie repeated him – oh – oops. You see what I’m saying.
But the “Morrie” that I spend my Tuesdays with? For the love of god…
He’s the treasurer of the board of directors where I work. He used to be on 2 other boards but they got rid of him because he drove them insane. He has no memory and everything “moves too fast” and “confuses” him. He’s an 84 year old, retired CPA – and yes, for what it matters, like Morrie, he’s a member of the tribe. He has few hobbies (golf in the warmer weather) and a penchant for telling me how I, and everyone in my age group, does everything wrong.
I shouldn’t use whole milk in my coffee. I hold my pen incorrectly. The office is always too cold. Our coffee cups are too big. The answering machine has two beeps instead of one. People nowadays waste too much paper. He hates the automated answer service that most companies use. The LIRR has an inconsiderate schedule. His cataract surgery left him with too many eyedrops – and they bother him.
Everyfuckingthing bothers this jerk.
He’s such a jerk that he lied to me about our office being opened the Friday after Thanksgiving and today, when I called him on it he gleefully explained that the day passed… I should let it go. I almost threw him out the damn window. Of course this comes on the heels of him asking me to work Monday, even though I was off, because it worked better with his schedule (he comes in every other Tuesday or so). Of course, I declined his warm invitation. I’m betting he’ll try to get me to come in the Monday after New Year’s too – fat chance. Oh, did I mention I got no “holiday” bonus? Ugh.
He talks incessantly. Infuckingcessantly. If I am on the phone, it doesn’t matter. Yap, yap, yap. I tell him I’m going to ladies room and I can hear him going on and on even though he’s now sitting alone! Duudddde - shut the fuck up for 5 damn seconds. As Billy Madison would say; “I’ve been physically abused in the ear**. Too much talky talk!" I told my mom and Fish, the attention that this guy requires – well, it’s akin to having limbless* triplet toddlers. You can’t leave the man alone for a minute. If I do, he accidentally erases files off the computer, breaks the coffee machine or, misplaces $25,000 checks. I can’t believe he doesn’t doodle on the walls in crayon or eat glue. Though, it would probably behoove me to check the glue stock now. Imagine constant talking, my own name said 87,000 times. Over and over. I damn near want to change my name when I finish with him at the end of the day – he’s that annoying.
I won’t lie to you – full disclosure - I don’t have vast experience with those 80 years and older. I don’t have grandparents, I haven’t had any for some time, though even in my youth, when I did possess ancestry, all I ever had was one grandmother who died suddenly when she was in her 60’s. She was in complete control of her faculties right up until her last day. I currently have a 97 year old great-aunt but that woman SO knows what’s going on. You couldn’t even pull the elementary tap-on-shoulder-and-appear-on-the-other-side trick on her. I don’t think my great-aunt has been confused for a second of her highly effective and organized life. Yes, she’s quite scary. Regardless, I don’t know how in the world to tolerate this guy – or – how to not wish an Alzheimer’s moment on him as he attempts to cross Broadway… he’s so frustrating and I’m so intolerant. It’s a terrible combination. Look, I don't want to kill him because he's old, just because he won't accept it.
And lookit – it only took 8 and a half months before I bitched about my “new” job. I guess that’s not so bad.
(*the actual description, if you can believe it, was far ruder)
(** thank you Allah (the former blogger - not deity) for prompting me to spend some of my incredibly precious few moments online, researching the accurate Billy Madison quote. Allah u Akbar. Indeed.)
8:04 PM
Saturday, December 24, 2005
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Concerned:
According to the "guide" feature on my television, at 10pm tonight there is not a single channel that will be showing Law & Order. Is that even legal?? They must be flouting several FCC violations here, dontcha' think?
In other news; I'm about to celebrate the ownership of a working stove. I will soon be making (my famous!) red velvet cupcakes. Though this time they will be red velvet, starshaped, mini cakes - I'm such an excited little loser :)
5:32 PM
Friday, December 23, 2005
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Breakfast of Champions:
What's for breakfast this morning? Well, I'd venture a guess that both Gawker and myself are going to be eating some words. For your viewing pleasure, I present to you a Johnny Damon I never found remotely aesthetically pleasing until this very morning...
Attention Carson Kressley - George Steinbrenner kicks your ASS at makeovers!
10:44 AM
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
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BaHaHaHa!!!
It's hard to point and laugh on the in'nernet but damn... this
and
is almost as funny as this:
Posting (uhm... y'know, like with text) shall resume shortly, Mama's busy y'all.
1:43 PM
Monday, December 19, 2005
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Hate It or Love It, The Underdog's On Top:
I went in totally clueless. I thought it was chick's poker night over at Crazy's. I figured my good buddies; Karol, Jessica, and Lisa would be there in addition to various others. Well you can probably imagine my surprise when I got to Crazy's and her face was one of only three I recognized. And the other two barely counted as I'd only met their faces the Sunday night a week earlier. Yes, that's right, no Karol, Jessica OR Lisa. Were they scared? Lame? Who knows :)
So I felt fairly out of my element.
And oh, just to compound that, they weren't playing a no limit hold 'em game like I am familiar with. Nope. Instead they were playing a tournament. I'd tried to do that once before with Crazy over at Karol's but I was woefully outmatched. That night I didn't really "get" the rules or even the chip count. You have $10 in chips but raises are "400 in" and the such... I totally didn't get it. How can a number like 400 even factor when there isn't 400 dollars in play... you can see, I was out of my element entirely.
So I gave Crazy a very dirty look. But as I was already in for $10 and both Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy were reruns, I figured I might as well stick around long enough to (at least) lose my $10 buy in. Well kids...
I'm pleased to say, things didn't quite work out that way...
ps: pockets A's twice? Awesome!!
3:05 PM
Friday, December 16, 2005
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John Spencer Blues:
Channel 7 has also just reported that John Spencer has suddenly passed. Damn... I loved that guy. Rest in peace Leo McGarry, West Wing won't be nearly as good without you.
6:13 PM
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HIV Negative. Oh So Briefly:
The morning edition of today's NY Post reported that a brazen and rather obnoxious Peter Braunstein donated blood in Tennessee in exchange for $20. The report also revealed that his blood had tested negative for HIV.
But! Channel 7's local 5:30 newscast broke breaking news - Peter Braunstein was captured on the University of Memphis campus. Nice! Although, as my brother E pointed out, it looks very unlikely that he'll enjoy the HIV negative status for long now. Karma is a delightful little bitch - the sexual/power predator will soon know precisely how it feels to be on the other side. Excellent.
5:53 PM
Thursday, December 15, 2005
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So I Seys To Myself:
"Self, I wonder what Ari is like in person."
Well, thanks to Karol, Scott and two other bloggers I don't know, tonight is your chance to find out. Come play with the big kids why dontcha? They say it is not a Christmas party, ergo... they probably won't throw the Jews down the well.
12:55 PM
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
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Winter Warm Up Tips*:
(*for the ladies and the non-straight men)
Look at this 3x daily. If this doesn't do the trick - you may already be cold and dead. (And he's Israeli!! And his favorite book is To Kill a Mockingbird! And he named his son Atticus!! And what I would give up to hear that voice in my ear, first thing in the morning, in Hebrew. Oh Lordy... I'm smitten.)
(And yes, I'm watching the new Showtime series; Sleeper Cell and digging it.)
3:06 PM
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
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John Henry to John St.?
So for all of Boston's bitching; NYers are rude and aggresive, NYers buy everything and earn nothing... look what we have here. Seems it isn't ALL of Boston that's cheap - certainly not their former hometown boy and our current control freak asshole mayor. I don't welcome you here Henry, but your losers fans might want to start checking out residential space on your behalf.
*and yes, I heard the *gag* Johnny Damon, 3 year-39 million rumor. Let me be amongst the first to call "bullshit".
1:03 AM
Sunday, December 04, 2005
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The Replacements:
My kitchen is starting to look incredible. The floor is in place. The cabinets were installed on Thursday and Friday the kitchen was painted. The appliances come on Tuesday or Wednesday (I’m totally calling in sick that day so I can supervise) and hopefully on that same day the granite guy will come to measure. Exactly a week later the granite installation is scheduled, then the black tiled backsplash goes up and I do believe that’s the end of it.
Dare. To. Dream.
I’m utterly pee-in-my-pants excited about it. I miss cooking and baking and oh yes, the thrill of washing dishes in the same sink I was my face in, has totally passed. I can’t decide what the first thing I should cook is.
My ipod was stricken was a particularly virulent strain of AIDs recently. It made horrible clicking sounds and then I think a swastika showed up on the screen with a little laughing Hitler icon. At that point I knew… time to send it to the gas chamber – I mean back to Apple. Let those fuckers deal with it.
So I went downtown – the hinterlands, where I never go – I hit the Apple Store and talked with an Apple “genius” who attempted to mess around with it for a second before making a very distasteful face. Y’know, like I’d suggested that Jackson the Hipster Apple Employee wash his face with Clearasil instead of some grapefruit infused product from Face Stockholm. Damn… I can’t stand downtown, I thought it was the Upper East where people were snobby pretentious fucks. Thanks for taking the trophy off our hands Soho – blech.
Well, I had to buy a service contract before they would even deign to look me in the eye. Nice customer service plan; charge the $400 for a product then by all means; do not even consider guaranteeing said product for a year, god forbid. So with few other options, I bought the stupid thing and then had to send my ipod back to Apple where they would diagnose the problem and maybe even fix it.
Since my experience at their store was pretty dismal, my expectations were now truly pathetically low. I sent my ipod back to them and imagine my shock and awe when a scant two days later I received a brand new 40gb ipod in the mail. Yeah, as I suspected, my original ipod was so sickly they had to shoot it, but hey, in theory the new one should be far better and more importantly, disease free!! It’s also in completely pristine condition so this time I am totally hetting a pretty little protective case for it. You know, like a rubber or something so it stays all pure and virginal *heh*. In a fit of nerdom I bought some cds on Amazon recently and finally uploaded them at 4am Sunday morning– The Cutting Edge soundtrack and De La Soul’s 3 Feet High and Rising – I’m almost excited at the prospect of the commute to work tomorrow morning. Me, the M86 and my little white ear buds – reunited baby. And yes, it feels SO good.
Fish exhibited pure brilliance and got out of freezing Dodge this week, making a warm and sunny escape. She’s so damn smart she even managed to go to a place that necessitates bathing suits. BATHING SUITS!! So I promised to serve as a not-even-close-to-Fish-substitute and Hal-sit. I went over last night and her teeny tiny bundle of black and white kittenfur leapt into my arms and we nuzzled away. I ended up playing with Hal for over half an hour, my god; he is by far the most adorable and playful cat I have ever encountered. And I'm decidedly NOT a cat fan. I also borrowed her Entertainment Weekly. Don’t tell her as I plan to sneak it back before she misses George Clooney’s formerly hot and now bloated Syriana face.
And today I’m happily lounging about in pajama pants. So far, I’ve watched the Giants win, Adam Sandler tend to the needs of a small wayward child (Big Daddy) and my puppies playfight over a totally decimated toy-knot. I’m contemplating doing a little laundry so that I can go back to wearing underwear and I keep getting off the sofa to peek into the kitchen and marvel at its emerging gorgeousness.
I love Sundays.
5:05 PM
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