Wednesday, January 25, 2006
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Bahrain: Lock Up Your Boys
Is there really much to say? Though of all the celebs that threaten to leave, this is one I'm thrilled actually followed through.
Asalaam Alekem you crazy, ebonied & ivoried, polygendered, pedophiliac fuck.
11:19 AM
Monday, January 23, 2006
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A Girl in Need of A Tourniquet:
Between the doctor telling me I had “puzzling” test results, Morrie in my office again, the work I can’t get to, the kitchen stuff I can’t put away, the tooth on my bottom left that’s mounting a petite jihad in my mouth and the complete lack of getting laid…
Folks? I’m losing it over here.
‘Puzzling’ test results? Yeah, that’s good! Do I even begin to tell you that puzzling led to my having tests done last Friday at a radiology center? Or that after said tests, I got to discuss the results and my reproductive organs with the doctor on staff? Oh, and by the way, the doctor on staff WAS OF COURSE a guy I was friends with and had a huge crush on in high school. That was just the ultimate in comfort levels.
Dr Joey: oh wow! I saw you in the waiting room! I thought you looked familiar! I can’t believe it’s you!
Me: oh, it’s me alright.
Dr Joey: So funny… I can’t believe I’m seeing you here!
Me: no no, had it ever come up in high school I would definitely have guessed that 15 years later we’d be in this room discussion my menstrual cycle. Oh Joey, this is sooo comfortable!!
Dr Joey: then you’ll be really happy to hear that I want to see you again in two weeks.
We laugh… yet I try to dissolve into the flimsy white paper sheet I’ve dragged across myself toga style. Turns out? Rather hard to do. Joey’s married now. He was two years ahead of me in high school. He has three kids now. Hmm… kids.
Morrie was in again today. If I’ve ever needed confirmation that I don’t have the inner wherewithal to mother a litter of special need kids, hearing Morrie say my name 87 times in an hour has really driven the point home. Though I did appreciate his mentioning that I look as though I’ve lost weight. Stress, it’s even better than bulimia. I have a ring on that used to be unbearably tight. It now twirls around my finger with the greatest of ease. I’m totally fine with getting it sized.
I used to have a big bakers rack along one of the walls in my kitchen. It looks woefully out of place now so I haven’t moved it back into the kitchen yet and I’m not going to. It’s sitting in my hallway now and if you want to own a little piece of Ari and you have a moderately strong back, it’s yours. What I really need to buy is a hutch or a kitchen-type armoire thing.
And I have no doubt that there’s a cavity in my mouth. Bottom left. Third to last tooth. It hurts like a bitch but I don’t really care for my dentist and I’d sort of rather find a new one and entrust my cavity to him/her. I also need a painkiller for it, so I have to solve this little dilemma and fast.
What’s that? Yeah… a little more stress to toss on the pile.
All of which would be far more tolerable if there were some really killer, stress relieving coupling coming my way… but sadly, and stressfully Ari can’t catch a (literal) fucking break.
So, as I told a friend over the phone earlier today, unless you’re offering me money, drugs or cute boys to kiss, how about you just shut up for now and hand me a tourniquet.
8:28 PM
Friday, January 20, 2006
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Grab Me Now!
How long do you think a mentally incompetent girl (#6) with a tongue that Gene Simmons would envy (#10) is going to be available? Don't dawdle fellas... once this news breaks, well, (to paraphrase) I'm gold Jerry! Gold! And I won't last long on the open market - to say nothing of the Black Market - have ya seen my booty?!?
- A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find AriGoesDown!
- Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are AriGoesDown.
- A lump of AriGoesDown the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court!
- All gondolas in Venice must be painted black unless they belong to AriGoesDown!
- Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of AriGoesDown in a day.
- AriGoesDown is actually a vegetable, not a fruit!
- AriGoesDown can pollinate up to six times more efficiently than the honeybee.
- A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but AriGoesDown can not!
- The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal AriGoesDown.
- AriGoesDown can clean her ears with her tongue, which is over thirty-nine inches long.
Lifted from the crazy headless wonder.
11:04 AM
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
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Ari 2006 - Now with 100% Less Manners:
What in the hell is wrong with me?? Everyday I mean too and every next morning I realize; I still have not thanked Jason over at World Wide Rants for his incredibly sweet, thorougly unexpected Christmas gift. And for the record, I'm not entirely sure I thanked Jake (of the comments and general awesomeness) and CrazyAss for their very sweet and generous gifts as well.
* we (the "royal we" indicating little other than an exaggerated sense of self) here at Ari Goes Down would never want to give the impression that we do not love, cherish and appreciate gifts. Or even that we also barter gifts for high link placement... something to consider miser-traffic-seeking-bloggers*
12:55 PM
Thursday, January 12, 2006
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Thursday; Brought To You By Four:
Oh god... I'm almost embarrassed to post this. Hey - remember when I used to tell good stories? Yeah... I remember too. *sigh* Well, the fact is, the longer it takes me to find something sordid and delicious to tell you, the more of my inanities you'll be sure to learn about. I can promise you right now though, when the "meme" crosses my path that asks about my laundry doing habits, or what I read in the bathroom, I will lie and post the hottest most random sex story I have up my sleeve. It's a sweaty tale of a shy little monkey boy and Hugh Hefner's three giant titted bedmates.
But until then, courtesy of Hilary, by way of Annabel I present to you the random four:
Four jobs I've had in my life:
1. Salesgirl in the kids department at Bloomingdale's
2. Investigator for the Legal Aide Society of New York
3. Camp Director at a Catskill resort
4. Office manager
Four movies I could watch over and over:
1. Heathers
2. What About Bob
3. Bruce Almighty
4. Anchorman
Four places I've lived:
1. Brooklyn, New York
2. Bergen County, New Jersey
3. Glen Cove, Long Island (New York)
4. 2E18 Post Hall, C.W. Post Campus, Long Island University
Four TV Shows I love to watch:
1. Arrested Development
2. 24
3. Lost
4. Law and Order (I could do little else for an entire weekend, really)
Four places I've been on vacation:
1. Mexico
2. Hawaii
3. Israel
4. South Carolina
Four websites I visit daily:
1. Commerce online
2. Gawker
3. PerezHilton
4. NY Public Library (book addict, what can I say)
Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chocolate covered pretzels (same as Hilary)
2. Breyer's mint chocolate chip ice cream
3. hot pretzels straight from the street vendor
4. Sesame chicken
Four places I'd rather be:
1. My giant, delicious bed
2. My private Tahitian island
3. On the set of my new romantic thriller with Christian Bale
4. My giant, delicious bed with Oded Fehr
Four books I'll read over and over again:
1. Yertle the Turtle/Sneetches on the Beaches
2. Calvin and Hobbes
3. Muse (Michael Cecilione)
4. Thirtynothing (Lisa Jewell)
Four people I'm tagging:
* Not a single person. Here it is, if you want it, copy, paste it and do it yourself.
11:02 AM
Monday, January 09, 2006
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“Habit” or OCD? You Decide:
I got this here MeMe from Zelda. Uhm… I did get it over a week ago, I should add that. The “rules” indicate that I should add this portion of text so here you go; enjoy.
The first player of this game starts with the topic “five weird habits of yourself,” and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don’t forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “You have been tagged” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.
1. I need all of my hangers in the closet to face the same direction. Additionally, I need my clothing grouped together by color and occasion and my towels and stacked pants folded the exact same way. My shoes however are strewn about with no consideration whatsoever.
2. At any moment you can open my pocketbook and find at least 6 pens, 7 lip things (stick, gloss, balm, etc), 2-3 tins of mints (I don't chew gum. ever.) and 4-5 hair elastics.
3. I throw food out the exact day it says it expires (and yes, I know that most of the time the date listed is merely a “sell by” date but I don’t care. My mom kept stuff in the fridge forever, (she still does and [much to her consternation] I empty it whenever I go home) so I have a total “thing” about it now.
4. I buy notebooks/notepads constantly. I prefer spiral (top bound is best), I hate spined. Nearly every corner of my bedroom has a notebook or paper of some sort in it. I’m a paper junkie. I even have a box of stationary. A really big box. Yep, I’m Amish, I send letters to people. Actual handwritten pieces of correspondence.
5. For a coffee connoisseur addict I own a staggering amount of tea. So much tea, that when boxing up my kitchen’s contents for “The Renovation” my brother announced I was no longer permitted to buy anymore. Ever. I could quite easily not live long enough to consume all that I have. It’s a small problem. Especially since I was at Gristede’s the other day and saw a box of cherry vanilla tea I was just dying to try.
And I’m tagging the following bloggers for this meme:
Hilary because I want to and I can.
Joe Cut the Shit because he can't be all good looks and no neuroses.
Dawn because that crazy loon has got to have some great answers.
Jessica in Progress because I’d love to know more about her.
And Rambling Curious because she always seems so together and she’s got to be dying to spill at least one ;).
8:41 PM
Saturday, January 07, 2006
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With Friends Like These:
Did you ever see that episode of Sex and the City when they coined the term frenemy? Yep, took me awhile but I think I just figured out who mine is.
In other news:
I lost $25 dollars to the tag team of Killer Karol and Double-up Dawn the other night. I hope they both stub their pinky toes in truly painful ways. I had a movie date with Fish last night (recently she and I have seen The Family Stone and Rumor Has It - the former, good. The latter, not.). We saw Match Point. I was seriously impressed. As I mentioned to someone earlier today, it has been so long since Woody Allen was really good I almost forgot that he was capable of it. Not only was the story thoroughly engaging but it is visually stunning. I've always thought that one of the things that makes Woody Allen so good is that each film he did was in a way a love letter to NYC - he loves NYC and you can't help but see it in everything he does. But in Match Point (set in London and the English countryside) it was clear; the man, creepy and daughter/wife marrying as he is, has an amazing eye for scenery and aesthetics.
And at yesterday's doctor appt., I was told I need to give a blood sample. Now, while I have no fear of needles, seems my veins have a deathly fear of them. As soon as they heard the news they ran into hiding as usual. And thus, one of the things I hate most had to happen. Blood. Drawn. From. The. Back. Of. My. Hand. My god... it hurts like a bitch and then it never fails; a day later the giant bump and bruise show up. In all these blood giving years, all I've managed to do to make it less disturbing is offer up my left hand so at the very least I have use of my dominant right hand afterwards. But ugh, it is now a day later and guess who has a totally swollen, grossly deformed left hand. Ding ding!!! You win. I lose. Again :)
And additionally, I have discovered that while Snaps is a fruity little bird, Karol a bizarre otter and Dawn a predictably lazy and off putting bear, I myself, am a totally cool:
What Is Your Animal Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla
5:16 PM
Friday, January 06, 2006
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The Uncomfort Zone:
Telling my 83 year old boss I have to leave early for a doctor appointment:
Him "why, you're young. Whatsa matter with you."
Me "uhm... just a small problem that's all."
Him "tell me, I can probably help."
Me "oh... uh... yeah... I don't, uhm... uh..."
Him "is it your teeth?"
Me "no"
Him "your eyes?"
Me "no"
Him "you got a headache? Stomach?"
Me "no"
Him "what, something wrong with your back or something?"
Me "still no"
Him "I love medical stuff, tell me, I'll diagnose you."
Me "I can't really, it's just a small thing, no big deal really, tiny little issue..."
Him "oh come on!!"
Me "yeah... not so much. I'll just go and hopefully I'm fine."
Him "but why won't you just tell me, is it... oh! OH! Ohhh!!! It's uhm... oh!! Ok! You go, be well. My wife needs me. Uhm, bye Ari, have a good weekend!"
Me "yep, that's what I was trying to say. Sorry 'bout that. You have a good weekend too."
My own father, whose dna makes up half of me, would have let me out of that conversation so much quicker. And the boss? Has two daughters and three granddaughters of his own, you think he would have seen where that chat was going waaaaaaaaaaay sooner.
12:25 PM
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
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Ari 2006: Now With 21% Less Provinciality.
It's 2006. Time to mix shit up.
Look folks, I’m not going to lie to you (though this being a faceless blog and all I could start the pathology at a moments notice so be on guard) I’m not one for the … ahem … resolutions. Filthy word; resolution. Lose 15 pounds, quit smoking, leave my rotten boyfriend (the imaginary people in our lives can be so wicked, no?), get a better job, stop wear front pleat pants, quit the torpedo shaped bra… all very good things to do, but things that really ought to be done regardless of date.
So no, I have no resolutions to bare public. Maybe I’ll lose weight and maybe I won’t. I have to say, weight loss might just be among the most boring personal details I could possibly share with you. I don’t own front pleat pants because I’m not clinically retarded or visually impaired and a cone shaped bra? Heh, if it’s comfortable, I’ll wear it. A good bra is hard to find. You know? But I digress – I was writing about resolutions and my lack thereof, right? So, instead of what you no doubt spent your New Years’ pining for, I’d like to offer you up another sort of list. A list of random shit I’ll be thinking about over the next 362 days. In advance, I appreciate your guffaws.
- I want a week where I’m not home a single night
- how damn hard can it be to find a guy with a touch of tie-me-up deviance? Y’know, just what the boys want, a saint on the streets and a freak in the sheets
- Annie Potts? Not aging well
- I wonder if the new dvd-r I got for Hanukkah (from my brother) is tricky to operate
- my other Hanukkah present (the parents) was a kettle, dare I dream bigger for my birthday?
- is there a lot of paperwork in dying alone?
- now that I have my new kitchen, can I get my friends to see past crazy puppy and let me cook them a delicious meal?
- really, in 2006 there are still miners?
- inviting insanity and strife (ie: men) into my life really would help content, wouldn’t it?
- can 2006 please be the year Madonna goes away?
- Who will run in ’08…
- is totally reorganizing my closet pure suicide?
- how about retiling a bathroom?
- how do I get Allah (ex-blogger, not deity) to blog for me like he does for the other kids?
- is it just terrible that I read no books of literary merit?
- skiing; still for idiots
- skydiving; no smarter
- the elderly; overrated
- this list; done
Chew on that kiddies. Chew. On. That.
11:07 PM
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